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Friday, December 17, 2010

Fallout: New Vegas is a drug, not a video game

You may have heard of this little thing called Fallout: New Vegas.  I have unfortunately been hearing a lot of talk about how this is a "great game" or "fun interactive video game."  I feel a need to interject and save the good people of this world from what is clearly a very dangerous and highly addictive drug.  Take it from a current addict, this shit is a fucking time vampire.

You tell yourself, "Hey, no big deal, I'll just play for like half an hour to wind down."  Of course you say this at 6pm and when you check the clock it's 3:30 in the goddamn morning and you're wondering what the hell happened.  But before you can check yourself back into reality, Ed-E starts blasting his/her battle music because some Viper Gangers are trying to steal the valuable Big Boomer shotty (shotgun, not shawty, like the melody) you just had to kill an old lady prospector to steal.

You're lucky there's a sun in this world because it can be the only reminder that you're a human being, not a courier in the wasteland.  You're dungeon crawling like an XP whore and getting annoyed because the glare makes it really hard to see in the low-contrast cave.  That's when you realize the sun is up.  If this has happened to you, turn the goddamn drug off and detox yourself with some air and water or something so you don't die.

Signs that you may have an addiction to Fallout: New Vegas:
-You're in the middle of a final presentation in class and you refer to "Las Vegas" as "New Vegas"
-You order a Coca-Cola by unknowingly saying "Nuka-Cola"
-You try to pay in caps
-You try to barter
-You wish you had enough speech skill to make an attractive girl your companion
-You keep checking the top of your vision to see if you are [hidden] [caution] or [danger]
-You don't understand what a car is
-You try hoarding as much cleaning supplies and poorly cooked foods you can, only to realize carrying 200 lbs of equipment is actually ridiculous.
-You think sleeping will cure you of all ailments

If you are suffering these symptoms, you are like me. Having a great time.

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